What if everything you’ve been told about grief is wrong? What if, instead of a weakness to be avoided or a burden to be carried, embracing grief is actually a sacred invitation to heal, to grow, and to transform? What if fully embracing grief is the key to unlocking your deepest resilience, your most authentic connections, and your greatest joy?
In a world that often demands that we “stay positive” and “move on” from loss, embracing our grief can feel like a radical act. In this article, I’d like to share what I’ve learned about the transformative power of grief. I’ll challenge the modern myths around grief and offer a heart-centered approach to navigating loss. You’ll discover practical steps and profound wisdom for embracing your own grief, supporting others in their healing, and cultivating a more compassionate world.
Whether you’re grieving a recent loss or carrying the weight of unresolved pain, this article will provide a safe space for your healing journey. Ready to get started? Let’s dive in.
From the moment you enter this world, grief is your constant companion. As a baby, you cry out for comfort in your hunger and loneliness. As you grow, you face the inevitable losses of life—the death of loved ones, the end of relationships, the shattering of dreams. In a society that often tells you to “stay positive” and “move on,” it’s easy to view grief as something shameful, a personal failure. But what if you’ve got it all wrong? What if embracing grief, in all its searing pain and messy glory, is actually the key to your healing?
In the Dagara tribe of Burkina Faso, West Africa, grief is seen as essential to the human experience. When someone is grieving, the whole community circles around them, offering support, validation, and the space to feel their pain fully. There is no shame in grieving, only a deep honoring of the process.
This tribal wisdom offers a stark contrast to the way grief is frequently handled in the modern world. How many times have you stuffed down your own grief, fearing it would be a burden to others? How many times have you put on a brave face, telling yourself you should be “over it” by now? By denying your grief, you deny your very humanity.
The Costs of Unexpressed Grief
When you refuse to grieve, the pain doesn’t magically evaporate. It festers inside you, an emotional toxin that slowly poisons your life. You may feel numb, disconnected from your own heart. You may lash out at others, misdirecting your anger and sorrow. Over time, unresolved grief can manifest as depression, anxiety, addiction, and even physical illness.
As Sobonfu Somé, a teacher from the Dagara tribe, explains: “The toxins that your body produces from not grieving build up and get really stinky. That is how it is with emotional and spiritual toxins too. Hanging on to old pain just makes it grow until it smothers your creativity, your joy, and your ability to connect with others. It may even kill you.”
Sobonfu is right. According to traditional Chinese medicine, unexpressed grief is thought to have a direct link to lung cancer, depression, anxiety, and other physical illnesses. In this ancient healing system, emotions are associated with specific organs in the body. Grief is connected to the lungs, and when unresolved, it can become chronic and can cause serious problems, physically and emotionally.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. When you have the courage to feel your grief, to surrender to its depths, something miraculous happens. You begin to heal. You reconnect with your own soul, with the love and support of those around you. You find meaning in your losses, discovering that your pain is fertile soil for new growth.
The Power of Communal Grieving
One of the most transformative aspects of the Dagara approach to grief is its emphasis on community. Grieving is not something you’re meant to do alone, isolated in your individual pain. It’s a shared experience, a burden to be carried together.
When you grieve in community, you feel witnessed, held, understood. You’re able to express the depths of your pain without fear of judgment. As you weep, rage, and wail, you’re met with compassion, reassurance that your feelings are valid and necessary. This communal grieving creates a profound sense of catharsis and connection.
I had the opportunity to witness this firsthand while living in South Africa, where I participated in communal grief rituals led by Sobonfu Somé. In one ritual for poor black individuals, the sense of community and raw, honest expression of pain was palpable. In contrast, a separate ritual for affluent white participants was marked by a palpable holding back, a restraint in fully surrendering to the grieving process. This stark difference highlighted for me the power of cultural conditioning in shaping our relationship to grief.
Imagine how different your world would be if you had access to this level of support. If, instead of telling you to “cheer up,” others made space for the full spectrum of your emotions. If vulnerability was celebrated as a strength, not a weakness. In coming together to grieve, you could heal not only your own heart, but the collective heart of your community.
Grief Across Cultures and History
The communal approach to grieving seen in the Dagara tribe is not unique to their culture. Throughout history and across the world, many societies have recognized the importance of shared mourning rituals.
In Japan, for example, there is a tradition of holding a “tsuya,” an overnight vigil where family and friends gather to remember the deceased, offer prayers, and support one another. In Hawaiian culture, “ho’opolilei” is a mourning practice that involves the community coming together to share stories, songs, and memories of the loved one who has passed.
In the Middle East, many cultures have elaborate mourning ceremonies that involve collective weeping, singing, and even dancing. These rituals allow the community to express their grief openly and to find solace in shared sorrow.
Similarly, in medieval Europe, it was common for friends and neighbors to visit the home of the bereaved to offer their condolences and support. Mourning was a public affair, with elaborate funeral processions and ceremonies that involved the entire community. In Victorian England, mourning was a highly ritualized process, with the family entering a formal period of mourning, wearing black clothing, covering mirrors, and hosting visitors who would come to pay their respects.
These diverse practices underscore the universal human need for connection and support during times of grief. They remind you that, even in our modern, individualistic society, you can find great solace in coming together to honor your losses and to hold space for each other’s pain.
The Cumulative Nature of Grief
In our modern world, you are constantly bombarded with distractions that can keep you from fully processing your emotions. From social media and entertainment to the pressure to “move on” and return to your normal life, there are countless ways you might avoid or suppress your grief.
However, when you don’t allow yourself to fully feel and express your grief, it doesn’t simply disappear. Instead, it can accumulate within you, waiting for a chance to resurface. This is why, when you experience a new loss – whether it’s the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or any other significant change – you may find yourself overwhelmed by a depth of grief that seems disproportionate to the current situation.
In these moments, you’re not just grieving for the recent loss; you’re also tapping into all the unmet, unacknowledged, and repressed grief from your past. You’re grieving for every loss you’ve ever experienced, every pain you’ve pushed aside in order to keep going. Each time you grief, you grieve for everything you’ve ever lost!
This cumulative nature of grief can be particularly intense when you’re faced with a loss that seems relatively minor, like the end of a brief relationship. You may find yourself surprised by the intensity of your emotional response, not realizing that it’s being fueled by a backlog of unprocessed grief.
Understanding this dynamic can be incredibly validating and empowering. It reminds you that your grief is not only natural but also deeply connected to your overall emotional well-being. By giving yourself permission to grieve fully and consistently, you can prevent the build-up of unresolved pain and cultivate greater resilience in the face of future losses.
My Journey with Grief
Grief has been a profound teacher throughout my life. At age 8, I lost my beloved nanny. At 9, my parents divorced. When I was 21, my father died, followed by the deaths of my brother at 26, my best friend and mentor at 24, and a dear friend at 25. Later in life, I faced the loss of both my mother and sister.
With each successive loss, I’ve learned to meet my grief with greater presence and openness. In my younger years, I often repressed my pain, fearing it would overwhelm me. But as I’ve matured, I’ve come to understand the importance of honoring my grief, of allowing it to move through me.
Grief, I’ve learned, is a natural process of life. By embracing it with an open heart, I am humbled and cracked open. I feel a deeper sense of compassion for the pain of others. When I sit with a client who is grieving, I’m able to meet them with true empathy, because I intimately know the terrain of loss. Grief has made me a better coach, a better facilitator, and ultimately, a better human being.
Steps for Embracing Grief
If you’re ready to start embracing your own grief, here are some steps to guide you:
- Acknowledge your pain: Give yourself full permission to grieve, without judgment or shame. Your feelings are valid and necessary.
- Practice Heart-Coherence: This simple practice will help you process your grief and surrender it with an open heart, while building your capacity for emotional resilience.
- Find safe spaces to express yourself: Seek out trusted friends, family, or support groups where you can share your grief openly. If you don’t feel ready to grieve with others yet, start by journaling, making art, or spending time in nature.
- Use music to access your emotions: Music can be a powerful ally in the grieving process. Allow yourself to be moved by melodies and lyrics that resonate with your heart. You might create a playlist of songs that help you connect with your grief.
- Create rituals: Rituals can be deeply healing when you’re grieving. Light a candle for your loved one, write them a letter, or create an altar with their photo and meaningful objects. Engage your senses and your creativity to honor your grief.
- Set boundaries and protect your heart: Grieving is a vulnerable process. It’s important to communicate your needs to others and create a safe space for your healing. This might mean setting limits on social interactions, taking time off work, or asking for extra support from loved ones.
- Pray for guidance and perspective: In times of grief, prayer can be a powerful tool for finding solace and meaning. Ask God, the Universe, or your higher power to help you see the spiritual lessons in your loss. Seek guidance on how to grow and heal through this experience.
- Complete your relationship with what you’ve lost: Sometimes, grief is complicated by unresolved feelings or unspoken words. Consider doing shadow work, where you have an imaginary conversation with the person or thing you’ve lost. Express what was left unsaid, embrace the feelings of loss, and find closure through compassion, forgiveness, and understanding. This heart-centered process can help you find peace and resolution.
- Be patient and compassionate with yourself: Grief is not a linear process. Some days you may feel almost “normal,” while other days the pain feels brand new again. Trust that you are healing, even when it doesn’t feel that way. Give yourself all the compassion you need.
- Seek support: If your grief feels too overwhelming to bear alone, reach out for professional support. A therapist, healer, or coach who specializes in grief can provide tools and guidance to help you navigate this difficult terrain.
Remember, we all grieve differently. There is no “right” way to grieve. So, honor your own process, and trust the wisdom of your heart. Your heart will heal if you allow it to do so.
Final Thoughts
As you walk the path of Heart Mastery, learning to embrace your grief is some of the bravest, most important work you can do. It takes tremendous courage to feel your pain fully, to allow yourself to be transformed by it. But on the other side of this journey lies a deeper connection to yourself, to your loved ones, to the great mystery of life itself.
As the Dagara wisdom teaches us, grief is not a problem to be solved, but a sacred initiation into compassion and love. A chance to shed your old skin and be reborn. When you surrender to your sorrow, you open yourself to more joy, more love, more authentic living. You begin to understand that loss is not the end of the story. It’s simply a part of the great cycle of life, death, and rebirth.
In a world that often feels so fractured and isolated, embracing your grief is a radical act of connection. By honoring your own pain, you open your heart to the pain of others. You remember that we’re all in this together, that no one is immune to loss. In grieving openly and bravely, you make space for a more compassionate version of yourself.
So don’t be afraid of your grief. It is a fierce and loving teacher, a guide to your deepest self. Embrace it, learn from it. As the persion poet Rumi recommends, let it crack your heart wide open. That’s how the light of love gets in. On the other side lies a life of greater meaning, connection, and joy.
You are not alone in your grief. The infinitely loving and compassionate heart of God is lifting your burden as you give yourself permission to grieve.
From my heart to yours,
